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In general I think of myself as a fairly confident person. Not that I'm all that and a biscuit on the side, but I'm good, thank you very much. I'm 34 years old and cool with that (even though my inner 15-year-old boggles at where the years have gone). I no longer work for corporate America, but when I did, I occasionally had to voice my opinions, sometimes forcefully, and I still felt like I did it without descending into full on bitch territory (my co-workers may disagree...but that's another topic). I now am the often frazzled mother of three kids three and under and I am proud of how hard I work raising these amazing kids and how lucky I am to have this time with them.
But, let's face it, I have my insecurities too. And one of them is my writing.
I'm a reader by nature and I wrote a bit in high school and college, like everyone else, but didn't pick up writing again until I was home with my kids and in DESPERATE need for a creative, quasi-intellectual outlet. My husband mentioned an event he had heard about, National Novel Writing Month, and suggested that I give it a shot. I did. And I loved it. There's something so freeing about "meeting" these amazing characters and finding out what makes them tick. I love the high I get when I'm writing and the characters wind up doing something I never would have suspected, almost as if they're real people. It's so much fun!!
But it was always PRIVATE fun. I NEVER let anyone read what I wrote. Not my husband, not even my BFF who I wrote my first story about. NO ONE!!
Then, a few years later, I found myself in the twi-verse, befriending some AMAZINGLY talented blog writers. And reading fan fiction for the first time. And wondering how embarrassing it would be to write fan fiction. Especially if it turned out to be really bad derivative drivel. However, I was lucky enough to join up with three amazing cohorts who encourage the hell out of me and made me want to write more.
And then a few weeks ago, I finally got up the gumption to post something on FFn. I told myself I would do it to find out how bad my writing was, because as much as I love my twi-BFFs, they never flamed me. Not that I want to be flamed, but you know how you always wonder, right? But as the reviews came, no one flamed me! So I submitted the story to Project Team Beta to get some constructive feedback, and still I did not get flamed. And then I got a review from the amazing FireCrotch over at WBPH where she said I need to "have a little more confidence in [my] skills" and it occurred to me, is there a point at which a writer starts to feel confident about their writing?
I am in NO WAY comparing my writing to the many amazing published authors out there, but I wonder, does Stephenie Meyer ever worry that no one will like her next book? And for reasons other than it not being Twilight-related?
So, if any writers/artists are out there reading this, let me know...is there hope? Will I ever become confident enough to hit that submit button without my insecurities forcing my heart up into my throat? Or is that uncertainty part and parcel of the whole creative process?
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6 comments:
A confident artist is actually an oxymoron.
This includes writers, of course.
Even artists who seem very confident, are extremely anxious and vulnerable inside when it comes to their work.
And if you expose your art to an audience you always take the risk to be hurt.
A little inconfidence is just fine, it keeps you alert and hungry. Because doubts and questions and stagefright and the will to improve is the very essence of every good artist.
I agree with fire crotch that you should be a wee bit more confident about your talent though.
I left you a review over at ffnet.
Sorry about my philosophical outbreak above... LOL.
All I wanted to say was:
The "**" inserted in my review by the ffnet-bot was supposed to be the word "Fucking".
I hate being censored...
Thanks, Betti! I take it as a complement that you read the one-shot at all 'cause I know from your blog that you're not a fan of the dog. :) And I appreciate your feedback on the whole oxymoron question. You're an incredible artist so I enjoyed your perspective!
Such a good question and again, since I'm not a writer....shit, ok, I guess I am, but I'm a beginning writer, so I have to fall back on my role as a musician.
As a sad little college freshman I had to play for studio, in front of the whole bassoon and sax studio and my teacher. I was mortified and had just come from the bathroom where I had thrown up about a billion times. I ran into my drumline instructor who saw the fear and panic and he told me a story. Basically it came down to this. When you play or sing or whatever - you have to believe in yourself. And because you're putting yourself out there to be judged, you have to think that you ARE the best in that moment, on that piece. He told me to think before, during and after my solo to tell all of those guys in my studio to, "FUCK you - Let me see you do it better." To take off my instrument and challenge them to do it better than me. In that moment, that tiny moment, no one could play that piece better than me. Only me.
That conversation changed my life. At every audition I had to pretend (oh yeah, acting is huge!) that I was IT. And also feel confident that that little phrase, or turn, or high A - that only I could sing or play it better. Only me.
Of course, I had to practice like hell. And realistically my teacher COULD probably do it better - but not the rest of them, unless they practiced it like I did.
So what I'm saying is, each time I sing, even for weddings or funerals, or whatever, I think this. "Fuck you - do it better." And I think the same goes to writing. Only you can be the best at what you do. And you are great!
And I truly believe that even the pros have to deal with this too. Once you get the point you aren't nervous anymore you are screwed. You aren't making the music anymore, you are thinking you ARE the music. Which is completely different. (I stole that from Glen Hansard of the Frames, by the way.)
Wow - ramble much?
I think the more you write, and the more you share, the better you will get. But in the end, only you can can do what you can do. And you are the master at that.
I know SOOOOOOOOOO many people who write anonymously. So many who refuse to put their real name on their work. Even if its really freaking good. There are a bunch of really good published authors out there who use a pen name. For many different reasons. Some fear how their readers will react. They fear any backlash given to their real name. Sometimes its easier to handle the backlash if its for someone who's not real.. It's still you but no one knows its you..LOL Sometimes its all about creativity. (some feel Jan Smith might be too generic so they hype it up)..
Anyhow.. I think that when we put ourselves out there to be "reviewed" it can feel like a dangerous thing. Writing is personal. Our stories become part of us and to stick it out there for someone else to pick apart is hard on your confidence no matter how good you are..
I've been writing for years. Since I was a teen. I've never put my real name on any of it. I've put some of it out there over the years. Mostly my poetry and gotten good reviews on it but still never put my REAL name on it.. And never will..
Aimee, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!!
I agree that writing is an intensely personal act. It makes me sad that there are folks out there who don't get that and feel free to rip someone a new one when they (the artist not the flamer *smile*) have the courage to put their stuff out there, regardless of whether it's under their own name or a pseudonym.
But I think that's also one of the great things about the internet, that you can get your writing or art or music out to a whole lot of folks relatively anonymously. Which is cool.
Uhyesplease, I thought I already responded to your comment but it appears to have been eaten. Hurm....
Well, let me just say I love the whole pep-talk-yourself-up thing. I agree that if you're going to bother putting something out there you need to put your big girl pants on and say, "Shit yeah, this is good!" No one likes the wishy-washy folks who don't think their own stuff is good. Why are you putting it out there if even YOU don't think it's good, right? Sure, we all want to know where we can improve but if it was total crap, why would you show it to the world.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts! You know I love them (and you)!!!!!!!
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